A few months back, I promised to post this story so here it goesššš„³š„³
Dear David,
Have you ever wondered what it felt like to be in the dark? Not the darkness that consumes your surroundings during a power outage or even the darkness that makes you stub your toe on a piece of furniture right before you enter your blankets and call it a night. The kind of darkness aforementioned is one that makes us blind to our surroundings and gives our other senses a chance to work at their full potential. How I wish this story was about this kind of darkness, the kind that puts you in a stupor for a few seconds before your pupils dilate and your surroundings become familiar once more, the kind that you actually invite because you canāt sleep in the blinding light, the kind that is only momentary, and can be defeated by simply flicking on a torch. Sadly, my story encompasses a darkness that can consume not only your surroundings, but also your inner being, this darkness can leave you numb and indifferent to love, peace and even joy. You canāt simply chase it away by a flick of a light switch, neither is it momentary, it doesnāt even allow you a moment of stupor and no matter how hard your pupils dilate, you might never find the source of light that will help you walk away from it, but I did.
Psalm 34verse 18 āThe Lord is close to the broken heartedā¦.ā I wish I had know this verse a few years ago, I would have been saved from all the pain, loneliness, sadness and even hatred that came with my thinking that God did not love me because I was broken. To be honest, if I could trace back to the source of my depression, I wouldnāt know where to begin, maybe it came about because my father left me, or because my heart was broken by a boy, or simply because I did not like my appearance, or maybe because I never actually belonged. I might not know exactly when it started or where it came from, but one thing I do know is that it changed my life. I could be in a room full of people and feel as if no one saw me, I could even spend the whole day smiling at classmates, but still cry myself to sleep. I started finding little to no meaning for my existence, but suicide was never an option; I didnāt deserve to live after all, so why would I deserve the peace and abandonment that came with death? I became numb to happiness and my relationship with God, well that was in tatters since I was constantly shredding any belief that He actually saw me in the dark pit I had found myself in.
See what the darkness does, it isolates you and turns off any source of light, for example, faith, friends and even family, which could help you escape from its evils. It makes you believe that you are unworthy of life, and disgusting in Godās sight, it even makes you hurt yourself, both emotionally and physically, for the latter part, the scars are fading and the former, well Iām healing. I have no idea how the dark pit I found myself in, became the foundation and soil from which my seed would grow into a sequoia, but I do know that, I didnāt do it on my own.
Maybe it was those friends that would pester me and never accept, āIām okay, honestly,ā for an answer, or my motherās prayers and well wishes, or even those once in a blue moons when I would actually open my Bible and read it. But looking back on those dark years, Iām realising that it was God who changed my pain into a seed of hope and restoration, that is now growing into a tree of strength and love. In a world that is fertile with rising suicide cases, not made any better by the pandemic, the fact that Iām even alive is miraculous in itself. I never told anyone that I was depressed, couldnāt bring myself to do it because I was scared that people wonāt call it depression, but simply being far from God and thus associating it with the devil and saying that I was simply feeling guilty for not praying hard enough. I always thought that a good Christian girl does not let something as petty as heartbreak break her, or that a good Christian girl does not feel sadness or grief. I was so wrong, God doesnāt stop loving us just because we are broken, or distant or even depressed, but He loves harder when we seem to be giving up on loving Him, why else would He send His son to die for us, whilst knowing that we might deny Him.
Iām not going to lie, the darkness has threatened to come back once in a while, I am still healing and growing, but Iām not afraid of it anymore because I have found an everlasting light. Maybe itās in the smile that adorns a loved oneās face when they see me, or those moments when I have my music at the highest volume level and dance like no oneās watching, or maybe it is in the fact that I now know that God loves me regardless of my past, my present, or even my mistakes. I found the light that destroyed the darkness, actually, it found me, but sadly, not everyone can say that.
It breaks my heart to know that so many people are completely consumed by the darkness and never find a way out. Having been in that space too once upon a time, I know what desperation feels like; you become desperate for happiness, for acceptance or even for the slightest bit of attention. Desperation then shifts to numbness and from then on, the darkness becomes unbearable. We live in a world where you are told who to be, what to like, and who to follow. Individualism has become lame and archaic, and following the masses is the new normal. There are so many expectations placed on us by society, and being unable to fulfil and bare them all can lead you to feeling like an outcast and loneliness is a breeding ground for the darkness. It took me a while to realise that my worth is not found in what people say and see, but in what I say and see about myself and most importantly, who God says I am . I do not have to fit in, because maybe I was meant to stand out, I do not have to follow the masses because the road one walks alone, is often the road of growth and self love.
Goosebumps clothe my skin when I reminisce of what I went through, and tears fill my eyes in knowing that every single day, someone loses a life because of this darkness. It is not always as a result of a parent leaving or heartbreak, but depression can be as a result of grief, someone bad mouthing you, not belonging, or even being bullied. So in as much as this story is about my encounter with the darkness, it is also a reminder of the fact that this darkness can envelope anyone, but it can be defeated, by light.
Not everyone is religious, so in as much as I found my light in God, others have found it in nature, the picturesque sight of a star-studded night sky, or the sound of water rushing through a waterfall, or even in the hand of a loved one, a good night text from a distant relative, or even a high grade on an English test, or a smile from a random stranger. A kind word from a neighbour and maybe even the contentment of reading a Charles Dickensā novel and maybe even being told that you belong and feeling at home with someone. The light can be found in the most unexpected and even seemingly small and insignificant places.
David, Iāve seen the pain in your eyes when you look at me, the longing in your voice and the sadness of your actions. You wear long sleeves shirts a lot these days, I know why, because I once wore long sleeve shirts for the same reason, to hide the damage I was inflicting on myself. You no longer sit with our group of friends at lunchtime, and even when you do, itās so hard to keep a conversation going with you. You have been absent from school a lot lately, and I fear that one day you will decide to be absent from life entirely.
I have tried to come and visit you at home and I see the pain in your grandmotherās eyes when she has to lie and tell me that you are asleep, when in actual fact, I can see your silhouette staring down at me from your bedroom window. I wonāt lie, I dread it when Mr Dawson enters our classroom, because I fear that he comes bearing bad news about you.
I lay wake one night and cried to God, asking him why he lets so much pain and agony destroy his people. I asked him why he doesnāt do something, and I remembered that, Iāve always wanted to see change in our darkened and disheartened world, and a fragment of that change, can be inflicted by me, how? By spreading this truth, the light can be whatever you want it to be, I know itās hard right now, but donāt give up, your family love you, your friends adore you and God knows what you are going through and sees you as you walk through this dark valley, he loves you more than you will ever know. Your story does not end here, you are more than what they say, and this darkness can be eradicated.
Darkness is defined as the absence of light, but Dave, there is light all around you, you just have to let it in. I understand, and I care, I wrote this to remind you that you are not alone, do not give in, do not give up, we still have to go sky diving remember, you cannot let me jump off a plane on my own, we signed a contract and I will hold you accountable for it. I have no guarantee that you are actually going to read this letter, I can picture you scheming through it and immediately tossing it into the trash when you realise that Iām referring to you, but I have hope that when you realise that it is from me, and realise the wounds I had to open up in order to write this, you will finally realise that I do care. Iām here if you ever want to talk, and I promise that this time I will listen.
With Love, your best friend
Natalie. {THE END}
Adventures of a Christian Teenage girl 