What a start💐🌝

Happy New year everyone (I’m sorry I’m late🥺). I’m so sorry I haven’t been posting since October. The exams were a bit hectic but God helped me pull through and your girl got her results during the second week of January, I passed🥺😊😊. I got:

A- History

A- Business

B- Literature

Honestly I’m still in awe, especially considering how devastated I was after my second Business paper, but God came through just like He always does. I remember having to wake up at 6 am to go to school after merely sleeping at 2 am, the frustration when I couldn’t remember a formula or one of the themes In a poem. I don’t want to lie, I was shaken before and during those exams, I was literally holding on to God for dear life because I was at the end of me. He is truly an amazing God. Now I have no more excuses, university applications have to be sent, and honestly I’m super excited to begin this new chapter of my life. I can’t believe I’m done with High school🤭

These last 6 years of high school were crazy. From starting puberty to peer pressure to getting out of peer pressure then my depression and so much more that happened. I would have never thought that I would be 18 going 19, done with high school and waiting to go to university. Time flies, it feels like just yesterday when I was turning 13 and in the youngest grade in school. Now, I’m literally a legal adult (still not used to that😹).

If I could go back in time, I would tell 13 year old me to be more patient, 14 year old me to be more kind to myself, 15 year old me to stop caring what others think, 16 year old me to stop stressing so much about things that God has control over and 17 year old me to have more faith and less fear. I’m honestly in awe of how good God has been throughout my high school experience, through the ups, the downs, the lefts and rights, He has been constant, even when I didn’t feel it.

So much has happened these past few months, my family moved from the second largest city in my country (Zimbabwe) to the capital city and it has been hectic. I literally can’t find some of my things since they are still in bags and I did not pack in a user friendly way🙄🤭

Oh yeah, I finally got my driver’s license early in December (yey🥲) and I’m so happy, the road test was one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had. It’s like I was trying to remember all the road rules all the whilst acting like I’m totally calm and collected (I wasn’t 🤭) Now I have to prove that I’m responsible enough to get the car, now that is hectic.

Christmas was great. We had a little get together with most of my cousins, and nephews at my Gogo’s (granny’s) house . It was a full house but I’m so glad I got to see most of my cousins and spend some time with my grandma.

I’ve honestly missed blogging and I’m so glad to be back 😊 I have no idea what the rest of 2022 holds but I know that God will get me and everyone of you through it ❤️

With love ~ Tanatswa ❤️~

Final preparations.

I have officially 10 days left before the start of my final High School examinations, and if I’m being honest, I’ve been kinda freaking out. Time has moved so fast, and honestly, I haven’t been able to keep up. It gets so overwhelming sometimes and I just find myself looking at my notes and whispering “God, I’m really freaking out.”

It’s not like I haven’t been studying, paying attention in class or even doing tonnes of past papers, I have. But I can’t help feeling scared, nervous and unsure. Am I ready, am I going to do well,? I’ve been asking myself these questions a lot lately and honestly, I don’t know. I’ve gotten to this point were I do my best, and LET GOD DO THE REST. I can’t control everything and I don’t know everything, but that’s okay, because God will supplement where I fall short and will walk with me through this exam journey.

It’s amazing how, at just 12 years old, Jesus was teaching religious leaders more about God than they themselves knew. Daniel was able to answer King Saul’s questions profoundly and Solomon was the wisest man that ever and will ever live. These people didn’t rely on their own knowledge and wisdom, but relied on God to provide the answers, knowledge and insight on things. It’s about time I fully trust God and it’s also about time I stop relying on my own knowledge but look to God for wisdom and understanding.

I have sowed through sleepless nights, daily headaches, studying and attempting past papers and I know that the tree and fruit God will nurture from this seed will be rich and beautiful. So yeah, I’m still freaking out, but knowing that God is right there with me, even in the exam room, is quite reassuring and calming.

Our weaknesses reveal God’s strength, as Paul says, “for when I am weak, then I am strong” for Christs perfect love and strength are fully expressed when we are weak and can’t rely on ourselves. “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9

God’s grace is enough, always, you just have to remember that and in no time, all fear, anxieties and uncertainties will be chased away by His perfect Love and Peace. ❤️🙏

With love~ Tanatswa ~

The Darkness…….(Guess who writes stories)

A few months back, I promised to post this story so here it goes🌈💐🥳🥳

Dear David,

Have you ever wondered what it felt like to be in the dark? Not the darkness that consumes your surroundings during a power outage or even the darkness that makes you stub your toe on a piece of furniture right before you enter your blankets and call it a night. The kind of darkness aforementioned is one that makes us blind to our surroundings and gives our other senses a chance to work at their full potential. How I wish this story was about this kind of darkness, the kind that puts you in a stupor for a few seconds before your pupils dilate and your surroundings become familiar once more, the kind that you actually invite because you can’t sleep in the blinding light, the kind that is only momentary, and can be defeated by simply flicking on a torch. Sadly, my story encompasses a darkness that can consume not only your surroundings, but also your inner being, this darkness can leave you numb and indifferent to love, peace and even joy. You can’t simply chase it away by a flick of a light switch, neither is it momentary, it doesn’t even allow you a moment of stupor and no matter how hard your pupils dilate, you might never find the source of light that will help you walk away from it, but I did.

Psalm 34verse 18 “The Lord is close to the broken hearted….’ I wish I had know this verse a few years ago, I would have been saved from all the pain, loneliness, sadness and even hatred that came with my thinking that God did not love me because I was broken. To be honest, if I could trace back to the source of my depression, I wouldn’t know where to begin, maybe it came about because my father left me, or because my heart was broken by a boy, or simply because I did not like my appearance, or maybe because I never actually belonged. I might not know exactly when it started or where it came from, but one thing I do know is that it changed my life. I could be in a room full of people and feel as if no one saw me, I could even spend the whole day smiling at classmates, but still cry myself to sleep. I started finding little to no meaning for my existence, but suicide was never an option; I didn’t deserve to live after all, so why would I deserve the peace and abandonment that came with death? I became numb to happiness and my relationship with God, well that was in tatters since I was constantly shredding any belief that He actually saw me in the dark pit I had found myself in.

See what the darkness does, it isolates you and turns off any source of light, for example, faith, friends and even family, which could help you escape from its evils. It makes you believe that you are unworthy of life, and disgusting in God’s sight, it even makes you hurt yourself, both emotionally and physically, for the latter part, the scars are fading and the former, well I’m healing. I have no idea how the dark pit I found myself in, became the foundation and soil from which my seed would grow into a sequoia, but I do know that, I didn’t do it on my own. 

Maybe it was those friends that would pester me and never accept, “I’m okay, honestly,” for an answer, or my mother’s prayers and well wishes, or even those once in a blue moons when I would actually open my Bible and read it. But looking back on those dark years, I’m realising that it was God who changed my pain into a seed of hope and restoration, that is now growing into a tree of strength and love. In a world that is fertile with rising suicide cases, not made any better by the pandemic, the fact that I’m even alive is miraculous in itself. I never told anyone that I was depressed, couldn’t bring myself to do it because I was scared that people won’t call it depression, but simply being far from God and thus associating it with the devil and saying that I was simply feeling guilty for not praying hard enough. I always thought that a good Christian girl does not let something as petty as heartbreak break her, or that a good Christian girl does not feel sadness or grief. I was so wrong, God doesn’t stop loving us just because we are broken, or distant or even depressed, but He loves harder when we seem to be giving up on loving Him, why else would He send His son to die for us, whilst knowing that we might deny Him. 

I’m not going to lie, the darkness has threatened to come back once in a while, I am still healing and growing, but I’m not afraid of it anymore because I have found an everlasting light. Maybe it’s in the smile that adorns a loved one’s face when they see me, or those moments when I have my music at the highest volume level and dance like no one’s watching, or maybe it is in the fact that I now know that God loves me regardless of my past, my present, or even my mistakes. I found the light that destroyed the darkness, actually, it found me, but sadly, not everyone can say that. 

It breaks my heart to know that so many people are completely consumed by the darkness and never find a way out. Having been in that space too once upon a time, I know what desperation feels like; you become desperate for happiness, for acceptance or even for the slightest bit of attention. Desperation then shifts to numbness and from then on, the darkness becomes unbearable. We live in a world where you are told who to be, what to like, and who to follow. Individualism has become lame and archaic, and following the masses is the new normal. There are so many expectations placed on us by society, and being unable to fulfil and bare them all can lead you to feeling like an outcast and loneliness is a breeding ground for the darkness. It took me a while to realise that my worth is not found in what people say and see, but in what I say and see about myself and most importantly, who God says I am . I do not have to fit in, because maybe I was meant to stand out, I do not have to follow the masses because the road one walks alone, is often the road of growth and self love.

Goosebumps clothe my skin when I reminisce of what I went through, and tears fill my eyes in knowing that every single day, someone loses a life because of this darkness. It is not always as a result of a parent leaving or heartbreak, but depression can be as a result of grief, someone bad mouthing you, not belonging, or even being bullied. So in as much as this story is about my encounter with the darkness, it is also a reminder of the fact that this darkness can envelope anyone, but it can be defeated, by light. 

Not everyone is religious, so in as much as I found my light in God, others have found it in nature, the picturesque sight of a star-studded night sky, or the sound of water rushing through a waterfall, or even in the hand of a loved one, a good night text from a distant relative, or even a high grade on an English test, or a smile from a random stranger. A kind word from a neighbour and maybe even the contentment of reading a Charles Dickens’ novel and maybe even being told that you belong and feeling at home with someone. The light can be found in the most unexpected and even seemingly small and insignificant places.

David, I’ve seen the pain in your eyes when you look at me, the longing in your voice and the sadness of your actions. You wear long sleeves shirts a lot these days, I know why, because I once wore long sleeve shirts for the same reason, to hide the damage I was inflicting on myself. You no longer sit with our group of friends at lunchtime, and even when you do, it’s so hard to keep a conversation going with you. You have been absent from school a lot lately, and I fear that one day you will decide to be absent from life entirely.

I have tried to come and visit you at home and I see the pain in your grandmother’s eyes when she has to lie and tell me that you are asleep, when in actual fact, I can see your silhouette staring down at me from your bedroom window. I won’t lie, I dread it when Mr Dawson enters our classroom, because I fear that he comes bearing bad news about you.

I lay wake one night and cried to God, asking him why he lets so much pain and agony destroy his people. I asked him why he doesn’t do something, and I remembered that, I’ve always wanted to see change in our darkened and disheartened world, and a fragment of that change, can be inflicted by me, how? By spreading this truth, the light can be whatever you want it to be, I know it’s hard right now, but don’t give up, your family love you, your friends adore you and God knows what you are going through and sees you as you walk through this dark valley, he loves you more than you will ever know. Your story does not end here, you are more than what they say, and this darkness can be eradicated.

Darkness is defined as the absence of light, but Dave, there is light all around you, you just have to let it in. I understand, and I care, I wrote this to remind you that you are not alone, do not give in, do not give up, we still have to go sky diving remember, you cannot let me jump off a plane on my own, we signed a contract and I will hold you accountable for it. I have no guarantee that you are actually going to read this letter, I can picture you scheming through it and immediately tossing it into the trash when you realise that I’m referring to you, but I have hope that when you realise that it is from me, and realise the wounds I had to open up in order to write this, you will finally realise that I do care. I’m here if you ever want to talk, and I promise that this time I will listen.

With Love, your best friend

Natalie. {THE END}

A moment of self reflection.

I haven’t always been the person I am today. I used to be “one with the crowd,” I used to hate myself, hate others for being happy, I was filled with darkness and I had gotten so used to it. I accepted things I knew were wrong and was okay in sin, so much that it became a part of myself. In summary, I was EMPTY.

One of the reasons why we hate looking back down memory lane is because it not only brings back happy moments we have lost, or makes us relieve the pain of the past, but also because it involves meeting a version of ourselves that is less virtuous and commendable than we are now. Sometimes when I look back to who I was, what I used to say and what I accepted, I get so scared and wonder, if it had not been for Jesus, where would I be now? I’m not perfect, I’m far from it, I still struggle with things, still get scared and try to play God, but now I realise, Jesus Christ did not die on the cross for us to be holy, but He died on that rugged cross because He knew that without Him, WE COULD NEVER BE HOLY.

“Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”
Isaiah 1:18, here, the Lord ALMIGHTY is reaching out His hand to His people and extending His Grace and Love, imagine, He is literally saying, come to me and I will renew you, seek me, and I will cleanse you, give me your emptiness and I will FILL you up. I used to think that I was too broken, too sinful, too dirty for God to even care about me, but In Romans we are reminded that nothing can separate us from the love of God, neither death, nor sin or powers of evil. His love overcame the grave, it overcome sin, and it can overcome whatever you are going through or wherever you find yourself.

What you did yesterday doesn’t matter, who you were doesn’t matter, what matters is Who God Will Make You, and What He Will Do Through You. No darkness is stronger than His love, and He loves You, HE LOVES YOU. He knows how many tears you have cried, the number of hairs on your head, your every single thought, and He made you and sees you. Nothing and no one is ever too broken or far too gone for God to fix and restore, for with God, Nothing Is Impossible.

Like I said before, I’m not perfect, but compared to who I used to be, God has been definitely working in me. I used the word “working” because growth is a continuous process and regardless of where you are in your stage, you are growing, no matter how slow. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would write this, but I’m thankful for the dark times, the tears, the pain and even the loneliness, because without going through those moments, I would have never found myself where God has placed me. I’m not necessarily saying that having depression and and trying to starve myself was fun, because it wasn’t, it hurt and I’m still healing from it, but I’m thankful that God took this seed of sadness and desperation and in its place, planted a tree of hope, love, forgiveness, peace, holiness and faith.

We all fall short of His glory, but He still gives it to us anywhere, for when we are weak, He is Strong. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but GOD LOVES YOU; and only He can fill that hole in your heart and only He can turn your ashes into beauty. You are not too far gone, for there is nowhere you can go, where His love won’t be stronger still. ❤️

It doesn’t matter what others have called you, or what others see you as, God doesn’t look at the outside, He looks at our hearts, and what He says about you, is all that matters. When all those critical voices scream at you in your head or around you, remember what God says about you, (Isaiah 43, Psalms 139, Jeremiah 29:14). What He says about you and who He says you are, is all that matters, His word is True, even when it comes to you.

With Love and Reflection~ Tanatswa~ ❤️🌈

I don’t have things under control / The Bible Study Chronicles.

“Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.”
(Psalms 20:7) KJV

TRUST – firm belief in the reliability, truth or, ability of something or someone.

I hate not having control of the things going on in my life or around me, it frustrates me when I try so hard to change or do something but fail. Trust is a big thing, it’s having unwavering belief in the ability of someone or something , it’s letting someone else control things around you, it’s letting go and letting God.

You can’t have control over everything, because you don’t know everything, just like you can’t control the weather, you can’t control what happens around you . Trusting in God is way better than trusting in my own ability, I’m merely a human being but He is the Alpha and Omega. It’s frustrating when things don’t go our way, but trusting in God means, trusting in His plans and ways even when we don’t understand.

Some trust in Chariots, their own abilities, armies, or even other people, but these can fail, God however, never fails, trusting in Him is the best thing we can do for ourselves. We gain control, when we give it to Him. Weird right, losing control to God means gaining it👀, but it’s so true, when we give everything over to the Great I Am, we are placing our cares, fears, futures, families and hope in the best hands, hands that take care of us better than we do, hands that can actually handle these things.

Giving control to God, means in turn being blessed with joy, peace beyond understanding and faith. He knows it all, He controls it all, He knows why what is happening in your life is happening, He let it for a reason. Trusting in God doesn’t mean that you won’t feel pain or doubt or fear , you will, but just like the psalmist, when you are afraid, put your trust in God. Faith is the opposite of fear, faith casts out all fear. Trusting in God, also means having Faith in Him and His Will.

He is Able, God’s capabilities aren’t limited by our feelings, or situations, in fact, they are limitless. Trust in an Awesome, all knowing and faithful God, even when we don’t understand, even when what lies before us is scary, even when it hurts. Our God is powerful, never forget that.

With love ~ Tanatswa~ ❤️